Psychologist Arthur Aron did a study to see if two strangers could build intimacy by asking each other a series of 36 questions. He and the other researchers believed that,
“The best way to get close to your partner is to share with them, and have them share with you.”
According the the study, “subject pairs carry out self-disclosure and relationship-building tasks that gradually escalate in intensity.” By starting with simple, fun questions that slowly become more personal, participants are able to progressively let down their emotional barriers and experience vulnerability and authenticity. At the end of the series of questions, the duo participates in 4 minutes of sustained eye contact.
This is an activity that can foster connection in any relationship: between friends, family, or romantic partners. The study parameters give 45-minutes for the activity, but give yourself as much time as you want. Looking to build greater intimacy in your relationships? What a wonderful opportunity! This is the perfect conversation piece to help you grow closer to your partner, or even to dive straight into emotional intimacy on a first date!
One partner reads the question aloud (in alternating order), and both partners answer the question. The questions are divided into three sets (as per the original study), but should be completed in numerical order. If you need to take a quick break, do so in between the sets:
The Questions:
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Eye Contact:
After you have completed all 36 questions, set a timer for four minutes, take a deep breath, and maintain eye contact with your partner until the timer goes off. You may feel weird or nervous or self-conscious, and that’s okay! Any time you want to look away, just take another deep breath and allow yourself to settle into the experience.
Emotional intimacy is a powerfully vital part of our lives. We need it to feel connected to others, to develop empathy, and to allow for emotional processing. It takes time and effort to develop, but if you seek emotional intimacy, you shall find it. And these 36 questions are here to help!
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